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Pumpkins REALLY don’t have ankles

October 31st, 2008 by witherow

Some people have wondered why this blog is titled “Pumpkins Don’t Have Ankles.” The reason is … because I am a firm believer that they don’t. And to prove this statement is true, Christy and I went to the infamous Pumpkintown Pumpkin Festival.

No, for real. There is a place called Pumpkintown and they have a pumpkin-themed festival every fall. See? Here’s photographic evidence:

I figured if there were any place in the world that might be weird enough to have a pumpkin with ankles, Pumpkintown would be the place. So off we went.

Can you believe over 30,000 show up for this thing?? And all of them just stand there in the way when you’re trying to get from point A to point B, which is especially difficult when you’re trying to maneuver with a guide dog!

Anyway, Christy and I did our little investigation. What we did find:

1. Lots of homemade crafts. I got a tea cozy for my little Irish grandma! (a tea cozy is like a toboggan for a teapot—keeps your tea warm!)
2. Barbeque sandwiches and fresh mountain apples (mmm)
3. An entire section of booths decorated with Confederate flags (umm … the two Northern girls didn’t go there).
4. Some obnoxious Pomeranians in a baby stroller that barked at Reba like they wanted to take her on

(Reba, rolling her eyes): They ain’t even dogs, I mean it! Can’t even walk on their own. Man, I ain’t got the time o’ day to waste on them! [For a fuller description of Reba’s inner monologue, please visit her blog, People Are Dumb.]

5. Pumpkin butter! (we won’t think about the fate of the poor little pumpkins used to make said butter)
6. A creepy old redneck dude who tried to get us to look inside a doll-sized outhouse and talk to the Barbie inside … um … yeah … um … there is no word in the English language adequate to describe the awkward creepy crude weirdness of this moment, so I am forced to invent one: awkreepudeness. Blech!
7. A magical mini-donut making machine, in which the baby donuts float down a river of boiling oil only minutes before they are covered in cinnamon sugar and consumed. A health nightmare, but Christy found them heavenly, and I must admit they were kind of toothsome!

8. Bluegrass music

9. And finally, though not as plenteous as one might expect … pumpkins!

See how happily the children frolic in the orange round delightfulness? And not an ankle among them!

Among the pumpkins, that is. I’m assuming the children did have ankles. But the pumpkins didn’t. Pumpkins don’t have ankles.

Which is what I’ve been saying all along.

Posted in Hijinks, People Are Weird, That's life | | | 0 Comments

The Great Birthday Caper

October 10th, 2008 by witherow

So … Steph neglected to remind us of her birthday last month. Because of this, we (her caring friends) decided to make her pay with an evil birthday scheme that put her powers of logic to the test! Bwahahahaha!

Ahem … But such an undertaking cannot be done without a lot of careful planning. Our first priority was, of course, to play mind games with our dear friend. This entailed telling Steph we were doing something for her birthday, not tell her what that something was, and then make a concerted effort to make her worry about it. *evil grin*

I made her a nice ransom note that read “StEPh—wE kNoW abOUT the biRThdaY. yOU WoN’T geT AwAY wiTh It. BwA-hA-Ha-ha-HA.”

Brian and Mike wrote some lovely email haiku, including:

What plans lie ahead?
Nothing but time can tell that
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Tar and feathers? Worse!!
Birthday cakes with rocks? Better!!
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

It’s your destiny,
It is unavoidable
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

And our personal favorite:

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Mel waxed philosophical:

A Birthday Formula for deep consideration: by Anonymous Party-goer

Birthday + Friends + Party = Good Birthday
Three holes we all can fall in:

Birthday + Friends – Party = Cheap Friends
Birthday + Party – Friends = Lonely Birthday
Birthday – Friends – Party = Travesty

One slight deviant off the Good Birthday…
Party + Friends – Birthday = Procrastinating, or perhaps simply impish Friends

Brian gave me a simply brilliant idea, in which I sent Steph link to a website renting out dunking tanks. A little while later, I emailed her back and said I really meant to send her a link to a picture of fuzzy kittens and that I hoped I hadn’t frightened her.

Steph was sufficiently worried, much to our delight.

So on Saturday morning, Steph arrived at my apartment. I answered the door wearing a trench coat and sunglasses and handed her a clue.


Me: “Agent Lucky, get in position. ETA 15 minutes.”

Steph successfully cracked the code and figured out the clue. It led us to Red Robin out on Woodruff Road, where we found her friend Rachel, waiting with a balloon and another clue.

This one led to P.F. Chang’s Chinese Bistro. where we found Brian, sitting under the giant horse statue and listening to his IPod.

He gave Stephanie a clever “Haiclu” to solve. Part of it read:

Perhaps you like clues,
Although I think that you don’t.
Nice time we’re having.

Eat bread with your friends,
Read stuff online with coffee.
Atlanta? Uh no!

You’ll notice that the first letters of the lines spell out “Panera,” as in Panera Bread, where we found Rebecca waiting with an evil “get the people across the river on the raft with impossibly hard conditions” puzzle on the Internet. And Steph actually solved it—and fast! (I tried a few times and couldn’t do it, so either Steph’s really smart, or I’m really … uh … wow, Steph sure is smart!)

The next stop was Barnes & Noble, in which Steph had a mini scavenger-hunt-within-a-scavenger-hunt, in which the names of certain authors and titles of books led her to spell out the next clue, leading us to Mike in the Snack Shop.

Mike had an unassembled puzzle of a deceptively cute baby polar bear licking his cute little paws. But when we assembled the puzzle, we found a hidden reference leading us to Performance Hall.

At Perf Hall, we were accosted by two suspicious-looking people (Mel and Vanessa) in trenchcoats and sunglasses.

Mel handed the tormented birthday girl a final poem:

On Elusive Parties and Partiers

You seek us here, you seek us there.
You seek your party, you don’t know where.
You’re gaining friends along the way.
(You’ve let them know that they will pay.)

Your birthday came. Your birthday went.
But there’s still some birthday to be spent.
For nothing more do friends enjoy
Then plotting plots and scheming ploys.

Solve this riddle, and use your brain.
Fix the cube without going insane.
It will lead to a place of rest,
Of cake and party, of no more tests.

All Steph had to do then was solve a Rubik’s cube! … (or just unscramble the letters I’d taped onto it.) (Mel, by the way, knows the secret of how to solve the cube, so she gets like 5 and a half cool points).

The letters spelled out “Pavilion,” where Steph finally found her party and could finally relax without having her brain taxed and tested! Steph passed every test! See how she grins in triumph!!

The best part of the whole party, for me anyway, was seeing my best friend have a good time.
The SECOND best part is that the whole scheme actually worked!! I was quite afraid someone would be left stranded at a restaurant, or have to wait for an hour, or get attacked by wild possums on the way to the next location … any number of things could have gone wrong. So hurrah for a successful party, and hurrah for my new vow never to attempt another birthday this complicated ever! Ah-haha!

Posted in Brilliant ideas ..., Hijinks, Poetry that oughtn't | | | 2 Comments

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