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Strange emails: Heavily Armed Raisins
July 25th, 2008 by witherow
Here’s yet another strange email interchange with my sister Becky. In this one, we reference the Great Raisin, whom we talk about a lot but don’t exactly know who or what he is, and our sister Molly, who a). likes Raisin Bran and crackers, and b). had this joke about wanting to be First Lady some day. You’ll notice Becky signs with her alias, “the great f” (it’s random; don’t ask), and I sign with my initials, erp.
In the email before this, I referenced the Great Raisin, to which Becky replies,
BECKY:
i know the GREAT RAISIN quite well, after all of the business i’ve done with him in the past few weeks, so don’t even try it. he will obviously side with me because i supply him with all of the laser guns he could ever need. so ha! beat that, if you can. >: )
f
EMILY:
Raisin armys armed with laser guns? Scary beyond all reason.
BECKY:
duh! what else would raisin armies be armed with? and duh! once again. it’s supposed to be scary beyond all reason. resistance is futile. surrender now.
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
EMILY:
I have bran flakes and an army of Mollys who will voraciously eat your raisin army. Even their meager lasers cannot withstand a Molly’s hunger for Raisin Bran!
BECKY:
Molly will be too busy to eat my raisin and laser army. I will distract her with a fake invitation to the white house to see if she likes the carpet color. you know she’ll be there. what now?
the great f who will slurp the erp
EMILY:
I will promise a lifetime supply of crackers to the Molly who eats the most Raisin Bran. They will not be able to resist, nay, not even to look at White House decor. Ooo–what now?
the unslurpable erp
BECKY:
There is a chance to escape the hunger of the Molly. While they are all distracted and on their way to Washington, D.C., my raisin army will zap all of the Mollys with their laser guns, making them forever hate raisins and anything with a significant amount of fiber. they will no longer want to eat my army or my lasers. they will, in fact, be terrified of the dried fruit and be conquered. i win. (again)
the f the f the f the f the f the f the f
EMILY:
I will lure the army of raisins into Curves, where they will be devoured by health-conscious people looking to fulfill their requirement of 5 fruits and veggies a day. Or I’ll lure the raisins into my giant industrial-sized microwave. I haven’t decided yet.
Erp eRp erP
BECKY:
whoa! if you were a health-conscious curves member would you eat a raisin bearing a laser gun? i don’t think so. and what kind of raisin army do you think that i am training? they would never step into a gigantic microwave unless, well, nevermind. think of something that might actually work this time. or don’t.
happy f laser f raisin f bran f jello f great f becky f
EMILY:
Fine. I will appoint the battle at the parking lot in front of Toys ‘R Us. But I will keep putting it off because of schedule conflicts (dentist appointments and podiatrist appointments and meterologist appointments and such) until the only time we can fight it is 5:30 a.m. on November 24th. Your raisins will realize only too late that it is the Friday after Thanksgiving and Toys ‘R Us is having a big 95% off Early Bird Sale of Insanity and will lament their ignorance as they are trampled into raisin paste on the sidewalk by masses of shoppers. And for any who try to escape, I will have attack goats.
E.R.P. (Exultant Raisin Pummeler)
BECKY:
but what will stop my raisin army from attacking your army while you are at the podiatrist and such? what kind of toys could my vicious laser-zapping raisins possibly want? aren’t the lasers enough? like my army would be sitting around in the parking lot while they could be sun bathing at the beach!!! your scheme has holes, emily, lots of holes. you could never cut it as a criminal mastermind. i could. resistance is futile.
G.R.E.A.T F. (giggling raisins eat all the foes)
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